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I started to like my mom's boyfriend. Except for when he's drunk...hah. But his son doesn't like me! I thought he did. And I thought he was pretty cool. But then today, his neice...who's like in...what, 1st grade? Comes up to me witht his HUGE smile on her face and says, "Little Mikie doesn't like you." I just told her to tell him to BIT ME. I was fed up with getting stupid stares from Mikes family. I only really like one OLD lady from Virginia. And some Gay roomate dude. Even their Chiuaua hated me! She kept on biting my calves whenever I walked into their gorgeous house...Like I was gunna steal something.
I just need some sleep. My meds. And some water. And I'm cool. Sleep is good.
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Today, I was talking to Shauna....kinda about Sheldon, and then we got onto the topic of Nathan. And I told her good things that happened in our relationship...Which was everything. And I cried. Over him for the first time in months....Manthy months...
It's been over three months since we've been together. I love him so much....My new medication kinda made me more calm. And notworrying so much about this stuff...But today, I realized again, how much I'm so empty without him. Being a Libra, we can't really stay in relationships very long. It's soooo hard. I've been trying, but it's not working. I want him back.
When he acknowledged my presance in the Student Store Cage this past week, handed me a water, and said that my hair was getting longer...With that same saddened, but still calm look on his face. It makes me want to fall on my knees, beg, and cry....for him to come back. I'd give up so much to have that same happieness back. Even for one day. Even if it's just playing DDR or doing homework...or something.
I know he doesn't read this anymore, because we both promised we wouldn't...And I haven't looked at his myspace since he told me about Kat.
Everyone's talking about Saw III...And I just want to blow all those people up.
I Actually smoked WEED the weekend after he told me about...her...with Robert. I asked Robert if he would let me. Everything went away that night. Until I woke up. In tears. Didn't eat. Didn't sleep. Didn't anything. Sitting up against the wall all night. Until I got those few ours of sleep. But when I slept, I drempt. When I woke up, every image we had holding hands, lying next to eachother, him kissing me, laughing, just staring, watching movies, singing to Johnny Cash, eating dinner with him and his family.
My not letting him hold my hand in public, me being so scared. Why is this all coming back. Why now. WHY WHY WHY?!
I was doing so good, but now that's gone....For maybe another few days....or months. Great. Next year I get to see the two together...I can't wait to graduate. Go to Seattle, away from all of this bull shit...I can't wait to go to sleep. Seriously.
I love you.
Noodle
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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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Where do I fucking start. Sorry for saying that word in the first sentence, I just had to come out.
I'm printing out some of my writtings for English. Just because I kind of like them, and I'm putting them into a small spiraled book.
Monday, I went to the doctor(not Dr. Parry), but our new family doctor. Martinez. Well, I got an allergy shot, the firts shot I had without crying, kudos to me. And they also had to draw blood...............eek. That hurt...but tis time, at my new doctors, they only had to poke me once to get blood. Before at my old doctor, they poked me 3 times!!!! And I didn't cry this time. Yay me. Hah.
Well, tonight I start a new medicine. I'm gunna be more bitchy than ever for about 10 days, but it should stop. Don't worry, it's the med.
I've been feeling really sick lately. I dunno if it's the shot or what.
I'm messing with someone's feelings again. I thought I really liked them until they started to get toooo attached to me. And now I have some kind of hopes for someone else. That kinda sorta turned me down for prom. Even though I asked him hypithetically. But I'm going to try to be happy. which almost seems to be the impossible.
I didn't get Kay's teaching job. No I didn't....I'm kinda upset, but I need to realize that I'm only 17, and no one is going to hire a 17 year old to do a job that most people who are wanting those kind of positions have a degree in that field. Why not?Grrr....
Things started to be going up, just enough for them to go down again. The weather's getting crappy. I'm getting depressed again. Migranes are coming back. and I don't know what to do. really...I don't. I just want to crawl into a ball and cry. Telling myself how much I want to go back to Utah...where I'll still be unhappy. I just want to go to collge, work for a while, retire, and then die. Life seems sooooooexhausting, when it actually is.
I've been so out of it.
I don't like someone right now. I really want to kick the stupid sophmore in between the legs until he cries.
Bye
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Dude, Afiyah asked me out. Just about 15 minutes ago. I went to the Center with her, chilled for a bit, and yeah. At my door step, she asked me out. Wow. I'm happy. I stopped shaking.
And I'm going to the Gay Pride Festival with her. yay!!! breath....
I thought it was gunna be over for me...But well, like she said, Karma.
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Another night of crying myself to sleep.
Noodle...is one depressed muther Fudger
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I went to gay prom lastnight... or tonight whatever you want to call it. And I was kinda eyeing this girl. Way cute...way way way cute.but sadly she was crushing on the girl that ended up crushing on me. heh. Even though the girl I liked had her first kiss from the girl that was eyeing me the whole night. But we all finally talked. And it was cool. She's sooo cute! AND SHE"S EFFIN 15! anywho
I hung out with Jyl that night. to go to Gay prom with me. Had fun. quote unquote, trying to find masks. I was all purple and black at the "prom"
I refused to dance. Lol. She danced with a chair....
Good night
ash
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Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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I'm tired of raising myself. And this is bad becouse I'm going to be an adult soon, and this sucks. My have a shitty mother. I do. She's a great friend, but a horrible mother. I started a stupid arguement because I asked what was for dinner. She said "whatever you want" and guess what. I've had whatever I was for the past billion years. She makes dinner on occasion. Or gets fast food. But other than that, i eat ramen and ramen. She spends money on me, and her. And that's what you call a mother then. I don't know.
fuck it. I'm done.
Noodle
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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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Lately, every dread I have, hasto hasto do with Nathan. I don't understand why. I wish it would stop. And they are all dreams that when I wake up, I just want to sleep so I don't have to end them.
Last night, we had a guitar recital, ofcourse I didn't play. I chilled in the lobby with Rob and Tyler(swick's son). I had alot of fun. I always, for some odd reason didn't like Tyler at all. I don't know why. Just one of those things where you don't like someone for no reason at all. but he's actually a pretty cool kid. Always thought Rob was cool. Some selected kids in my guitar class are awesome. Hah. but then there are those who you'd just rather throw out the window, to shut them up. Sheesh. People just don't know when to stop fighting Mr. Swick. They're never gunna win.
FunkerVogt is coming ou twith a new Album!!! Or it's already out. i don't know. All I know is that my Grandma reserved 3 of them for her, my Auntie and I.
I finished watching Casanova today. And I didn't cry. Not because the movie was sad(only for a short while), but I believe either that or Memoirs of a Geisha were the last movies I saw with Nathan. Great huh. But god I love the music to it. The soundtrack is so awesome.I could listen to it for hours. hehe...another Heath Ledger movie....^_^
I don't know if I'm going to go to Pride day this year. Might find someone, I might not. But I only want to go to have fun. Even though i'm under age and can't drink...only walk around like a mindless child Zombie....anywho.
That's about it. This seems to be one of my most positive entries is a loong. time.
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I miss Bryce, and I'm not even dating him or anything. It's probably because I don't really like to chill with any other dudes but Bryce and Robert on a regular basis.
This weekend is gunna be wierd. Since I've been home for three days this week due to allergies, I've gotten all lonely. I want company or something.
I don't want to be single anymore.
It's really hot outside.
And I Hate Austin Powers.
Love
Noodle
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Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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Okee, Yesterday, I woke up and couldn't breath, due to severe allergies. And again today, the same. I hadn't been to school since Monday.
I woke up this morning, and hopped into the shower, and after about two minute, my eyes started flshing. Like what happens right before I get a migrane. I could barely see anything, but what looked like static on the TV. Then my ears started to get really hot. I mean, inside my ears. It felt like a steam room was inside my head. Then the sound of what you would call "White Noise" is what I heard. I dunno. It was all staticky. instead of my ears ringing, it was static. Then my neck got all hot. And I colapsed. it was really wierd. his hasn't happened since last year. And I had to take bathes instead of showers, because I couldn't stand up for that long. Before that, it happened in 6th grade, when I blacked out. I could still hear a little, but I couldn't see anything but black. I'm just guessing it was my allergies or something. I'm not sure.
Anywho. Bryce is going to Utah, and he says he has no one to talk to. ect ect. Darn, gunna miss him. Hah.
I applied at target, and I hopefully got the job for the summer. ^_^ that'd be sooo cool.
Hopefully I go back to school tomorrow. It really sucks that I missed Chemistry and Math...I dislike making up those classes.
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I've been all mopey lately. The most fun I had all break was when I chilled with Bryce a couple times, and when I hung out with Robert. That was it. But, sadly both of them are partakers in my upsetness...Lol. I wish one would be like, "Hey guess what! I wanna date you!" But nah. they're only my friends. With either a girlfriend, or just not wanting a relationship ectect. I know I've repeated this kind of crap a bazillion times. But I've gotta let it out sooner or later, and somewhere.
I had another dream abot Nathan last night. Whenever I hang out with other dudes, I get dreams that Nathan's the main character in. I don't know why. It's really quite annoying. I wish that I could control my dreams. Bt then I'd be giving myself more false hope, but none of them would have Nathan in them. It would be better if they were just stupid advetisements, like on Futurama. Hah
Yay for fuckin solo playing. Laterz
Noodle
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Hell, never smoke cigarrettes. I only smoked one. And don't plan on doing it ever again! I just felt like crap. And it just made it worse. Lol. Never do it again.
I saw Blue October Last night!!! With Bryce. The BEST concert ever!
And I actually won at pool!!!
Ueah. Anywho...Good night
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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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I saw V for Vendetta today, with FUMA. Is was so friggin good. I swear. One of the best since Phantom of the opera...Heh, you know, the Masked sexy movie characters. V was such a good character. everything about him was awesome, and great. And I could praise him for about two hours like this. Hah.
Well...I'm still confused over all my feelings. They're so screwed up. I just can't wait to go to this concert. To see Blue October. Which I haven't listened to in a couple days. I've been making myself upset lately. Just thinking bad things. About how I can't get anyone I want. Which I have twice in the past. But I've been told that I can get anyone i wanted. But that's not true. I've either lost the ones I wanted, or just plain choose the ones I can't have. One's in a relationship. But then they're my friend that i just can't screw it up or i'd die, and the other one....Just plain doesn't want a relationship. They are so much like me, that it would actually scare me to be in a relationship with them. because they'd be so unpredictable.
ugh. I hate being at this point where I want to be in a realtionship. I should be worrying about school and my grades. But instead I'm competing with my mother, my Auntie, my ex girlfriend!(who's now dating a male. This is Noodle's journal, don't repeat anything), my best friend. why must my family be so competitive. why why why why
And my family is a very depressing one at that. With a very short temper, and almost no patience. and we're expensive. Anywho...
Laterz
Noodle
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All i'm getting are nothing but mixed feelings. No one is really giving them to me, but myself.
I had a hella awesome time hanging out with Robert Today/yesterday. Walked around some construction sites. My frist time doing that. If I were in a relationship with anyone, that would have been my kind of romanctic place. lol. Wierd I know. But it was way cool.
Blue October in 2 days! I cannot wait to go with Bryce to see them. This is gunna be sweet.
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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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I just found out now, that my best friend is moving. Not out of state, but to the Strip. I don't know what to think or say. I really don't. I just hope he doesn't change from the awesome Robert I know into a rich bitch.
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Well, Stephanie is cmng over today, if her mother lets her. AND brings her.
I have this wierd feeling. I've never had before. I don't know what it is... Maybe it's the music I'm listening to, and it's affecting my surroundings.
I don't know.
What to make of it.
What what what what.
It's Wednesday, halfway through Spring break. 3 days till the Blue October concert. Woot. I'm really looking forward to that.
Anywho
Enough Random for me.
Laterz
Noodle
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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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Wow...They're right when they said you can't kill a cockaroach with anything...
What to do what to do...
I started painting the cute skull thingy on my guitar. My old baby guitar.
And now I'm watching Brokeback Mountain. I'm already sad as it is. Lol. I saw this movie with my mom, then right after it, I saw Casanova with Nathan...
I shouldn't let myself get too close to anyone...Even though I already have. And that was a BIG mistake. Even though my friends are my friends, but something always hasto happen. So much in my head. It's driving me insane. And I friggin hate it.
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How can someone like me, if I don't like myself. How can someone love me, if I don't love myself? See, those work, but this one doesn't. How can someone hate me, if I don't hate myself. Why not.
it's the truth.
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Well, the morning went really slow. realy really really. Slow. But then I finally got up, and got my bike out of the shed, dusted it off(more like sprayed it with the hose), then cleaned up some dog shit. After that, I went to the Middle School field and had a picnic with Cynthia. Had Spagetti and salad. Watched Bringin Down the House on her laptop. Then we went and go ther DDR dance pads, and played DDR.
I ate at ew....ewewewewewew.....Wendey's just now. While we were standing in line, a lady asked about my hair, She had a lazy eye, like me, andshe asked me if she could do a psychic reading for me, becasue she saw stuff for my love life, and regular life. For $20. But I had no money...So that didn't go down.
And now I'm here...Bored again, just wanting to go hang out with Robert or Bryce.
I noticed that I'd rather hang out with a bunch of boys, than with any girls. Girls are boring. Unless yu date them.I mean, a couple girls are fun to hang out with every once in a while. I noticed, the only girls I really talk to are Shannon(FUMA) and Megan. Maybe Cynthia.
Bleh. I don't really feel the need to spill out what's on my mind at the moment. It would be too hard for me to make it vague, so no one would understand...
Love
Noodle
PS
If you noticed, I pretty much have been exercising all day!!! Hehe. Best be proud!
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| Subject: | Hm |
| Time: | 10:02 pm. |
| Mood: |  confused. | | Music: | nada. |
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Today has been rather..interesting. Even though I hadn't left the house...At all. I've been doing alot of thinking. Some of the times my mind makes sense, and sometimes it doesn't.
I feel like I relate to Teddy Huffstodt. Of ya'll watch Huff, then you'd understand. He finally told Craig Huffstodt how he felt about his brother visiting him at his assited living all the time. All Craig did was spill his problems on his brother. And he didn't really notice it. Teddy never said anything, because he was always on medication for his schitzophrenia, and wasn't really there. The part I relate to is the way he thinks, kinda, and how people spill on him. People haven't done it in a long time, but I'm a packrat and doesn't throw anything away.
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jthmguitarist01's journal
SHIT.
content.
contemplative.
accomplished.